Anxious Attachment

 

An anxious attachment style may present itself as the need for frequent reassurance that you are loved and that the other person is not about to abandon you. Those with an anxious attachment style may have grown up in an environment in which they did not feel safe that their caregivers would return, or one where they did not have access to consistent affection or responsiveness and availability was inconsistent.

Anxious attachments can show up in people-pleasing behaviours; struggles in expressing personal needs or avoidance of confrontation and conflict, a focus on meeting the needs of the partner to the detriment of one’s own personal needs. The constant focus on preventing abandonment can become a self-fullfilling prophecy, as the relentless need for reassurance can feel controlling to those who may have an avoidant attachment style, and may lead to conflict. The anxiously attached partner may build up resentment towards a partner who does not consistently provide that reassurance but may also feel unable to fully express their needs for fear of conflict.

The answer in these situations is neither a constant flow of reassurance, nor dismissing the needs and hoping they go away. Instead, the anxiously attached partner can practise creating a sense of safeness independently from their partner by building their sense of self and learning to soothe themselves. The partner can help this by providing more consistent connection without waiting for the other person to ask for it. So these are things we can work on both individually and as a couple.

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